when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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