Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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