I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
