i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We need to rekindle our bromance
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
