i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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