glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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