First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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