you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
