Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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