What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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