he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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