oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
