I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
