I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
