I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
