i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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