I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
