My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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