I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
