I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
