he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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