I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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