Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
