Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
