M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
