i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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