Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
