his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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