Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
