It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
