Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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