This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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