that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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