That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
