You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
