I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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