i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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