tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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