i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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