Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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