I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
