the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
