The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
