I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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