If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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