I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
