Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
