dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
