remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
