I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
