Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
